Waves of emotion fly through me at the most unusual time !! Today we had a team building day on my new job. We went to a German paint balling arena and proceeded to shoot each other for a few hours, and all picked up a fair few bruises to match. It was a great day and i had loads of fun……… knowing i was getting paid for it too 🙂 However, for the past week or so I’ve been really struggling with a few things, which i’m going to tell you about…. which links into Images.
I cant get the images out of my head of the last few moments of my dads life. They’re there constantly haunting me day and night. I feel okay about it sometimes, and other times i feel angry, sad, upset. loads of emotions. I cant get one particular thing out of my head, its the slow shallow movements of my dads cheeks and throat. He was breathing, or making the actions of breathing, i was counting them, and watching them through glazed eyes, Mum had closed his eyes for him a few minutes before, maybe 15 mins or so, and we waited……… they just kept going and going, the shallow puff of the cheeks, every one was harder and harder to watch, but i had to. I had to watch him and keep a eye on him to make sure he was okay, ridiculous really, as he was minutes from death, so how the fuck could he be okay !!. The puffing of the cheeks just stopped. No gasp of air, no sudden jolt of the body, no fight whatsoever. So that shallow puff of the cheeks told me in my head that he was still with us, was he able to hear me ?? was he able to sense my sadness ?? was he scared ?? did he have anything he wanted to say to me ?? ( he lost that ability properly a few days before due to a huge stroke ) He was gone. The colour drained from him pretty much instantly, he was ice cold approximately 2 mins from the moment that the last cheek puff happened, how do i know this ??? I gave him a kiss on the head and said ” thanks for everything Dad, i’ll see ya when i see ya, I love you”. Ice cold he was, but i wanted to see the cheek puffs again !!!… and now i wish they’d fuck off, as i cant stop seeing them. I’ve questions to ask him and i need the answers.
11 days before his death i flew out to Germany to work, i seen him in the hospital and he was so pissed off. He asked me ” do you still think i’ll be in here when you get back “??… because there was talk that he would rehabilitate from the strokes for a bit, then begin the fight on the Cancer, I told him i thought he would be. I told him to focus on the rehab and not pester the nurses to let him go home etc… he just didn’t want to be there, he just wanted to be at home. I was hard on him, i told him he must keep trying and get stronger and practice his hand movements, he told me he didnt have the energy and he WAS trying his best. I told him he wouldnt be allowed home till he could do basic movements etc, like brush his teeth and stuff. he said he couldnt do anymore than he was already doing. I feel so so guilty for questioning the effort he was putting in, i was just trying to boost him with a pep talk, but i think i was too hard, he was shattered and just wanted to sleep, so he told me to get myself away as i had to pack for work. So i gave him a kiss and told him to behave himself and i’ll see him in a few weeks. He said ” be careful son and don’t worry”. Those where the actual last words he spoke to me. I wish i would have stayed longer, spoke better and differently to him, but that was that. I cant change that now, but i took the wrong approach and itll eat me forever.
On the 8th November in the early hours dad had a huge stroke, rendering him with litteraly no movement at all other than in his left hand, a sort of vegetative state. Our kid gave me a call and said that i needed to get home ASAP. So i did, i drove the 4 hours to the airport, got flashed by 6 speed cameras and got the next flight out. I managed to get by his hospital bed around 12 hours after getting the call, thank fuck i wasnt offshore, as i wouldnt have even had cellular signal all day.
Seeing dad in that state was a huge shock, he was aware i made it back as he squeezed my hand and i honestly believe he waited for me…. but Fuck that !!!! I wanted him to pass away as soon as possible, the way he was, was no way to even live for a minute, let alone for any longer time. Everyone left the hospital and i had a minute by myself with him. It broke my heart but i said to him ” right dad, enough is enough now, when you’ve had enough, you go, we’ll look after mum and everything will be okay, i promise”, For 3 further days we where with him as much as allowed and he passed away on 11th November. 132 days ago.
Here is the deal, have you ever actually wanted someone to die ?? its mental to think that i wanted this to happen, as i couldn’t see him suffer an longer. It was the right thing. BULL SHIT !!! i actually wanted him to die, rather than live longer in that state, what kind of a person does that make me ??? THAT, i am struggling to deal with, can i look myself in the eye guilt free. NO is the answer. The chest pains i’m getting now even writing this is bastard painful.
Do I or Dont I ??
I’ve a dilemma, i feel like i could do with having a chat with someone, but i’m not the best with people, i can take them or leave them. I’ve a low tolerance to bull shit. So the thought of having a chat with a trained professional that i dont know is strange to me. As I’d just print off this Blog and say ” read this mate, and tell me how to fix my head and flip it so i can think positive, how much do i owe you?”, but I’m aware that i need to flip a few feelings around to be more positive, and maybe block or deal with the guilt and images, so why dont i just re read this blog and deal with it ??… or go for a pint and a chat with H, as she always makes everything better. !!
I’ve done the changes i suggested in my previous posts, new job etc, and i cant begin to express how happy i feel about the new job and upcoming year……. but i’ve this dead weight around my neck, and it needs cutting off, but i dont know how !!!!???
Oh and i remember saying that these will be more fun ….. they will come i promise :-).