Waves, Images, Guilt, Do I or don’t I ??

pexels-photo-415380.jpegWAVES.

Waves of emotion fly through me at the most unusual time !! Today we had a team building day on my new job. We went to a German paint balling arena and proceeded to shoot each other for a few hours, and all picked up a fair few bruises to match. It was a great day and i had loads of fun……… knowing i was getting paid for it too 🙂 However, for the past week or so I’ve been really struggling with a few things, which i’m going to tell you about…. which links into Images.

IMAGES.

I cant get the images out of my head of the last few moments of my dads life. They’re there constantly haunting me day and night. I feel okay about it sometimes, and other times i feel angry, sad, upset. loads of emotions. I cant get one particular thing out of my head, its the slow shallow movements of my dads cheeks and throat. He was breathing, or making the actions of breathing, i was counting them, and watching them through glazed eyes, Mum had closed his eyes for him a few minutes before, maybe 15 mins or so, and we waited……… they just kept going and going, the shallow puff of the cheeks, every one was harder and harder to watch, but i had to. I had to watch him and keep a eye on him to make sure he was okay, ridiculous really, as he was minutes from death, so how the fuck could he be okay !!. The puffing of the cheeks just stopped. No gasp of air, no sudden jolt of the body, no fight whatsoever. So that shallow puff of the cheeks told me in my head that he was still with us, was he able to hear me ?? was he able to sense my sadness ?? was he scared ?? did he have anything he wanted to say to me ?? ( he lost that ability properly a few days before due to a huge stroke ) He was gone. The colour drained from him pretty much instantly, he was ice cold approximately 2 mins from the moment that the last cheek puff happened, how do i know this ??? I gave him a kiss on the head and said ” thanks for everything Dad, i’ll see ya when i see ya, I love you”. Ice cold he was, but i wanted to see the cheek puffs again !!!… and now i wish they’d fuck off, as i cant stop seeing them. I’ve questions to ask him and i need the answers.

Guilt.

11 days before his death i flew out to Germany to work, i seen him in the hospital and he was so pissed off. He asked me ” do you still think i’ll be in here when you get back “??… because there was talk that he would rehabilitate from the strokes for a bit, then begin the fight on the Cancer, I told him i thought he would be. I told him to focus on the rehab and not pester the nurses to let him go home etc… he just didn’t want to be there, he just wanted to be at home. I was hard on him, i told him he must keep trying and get stronger and practice his hand movements, he told me he didnt have the energy and he WAS trying his best. I told him he wouldnt be allowed home till he could do basic movements etc, like brush his teeth and stuff. he said he couldnt do anymore than he was already doing. I feel so so guilty for questioning the effort he was putting in, i was just trying to boost him with a pep talk, but i think i was too hard, he was shattered and just wanted to sleep, so he told me to get myself away as i had to pack for work. So i gave him a kiss and told him to behave himself and i’ll see him in a few weeks. He said ” be careful son and don’t worry”. Those where the actual last words he spoke to me. I wish i would have stayed longer, spoke better and differently to him, but that was that. I cant change that now, but i took the wrong approach and itll eat me forever.

On the 8th November in the early hours dad had a huge stroke, rendering him with litteraly no movement at all other than in his left hand, a sort of vegetative state. Our kid gave me a call and said that i needed to get home ASAP. So i did, i drove the 4 hours to the airport, got flashed by 6 speed cameras and got the next flight out. I managed to get by his hospital bed around 12 hours after getting the call, thank fuck i wasnt offshore, as i wouldnt have even had cellular signal all day.

Seeing dad in that state was a huge shock, he was aware i made it back as he squeezed my hand and i honestly believe he waited for me…. but Fuck that !!!! I wanted him to pass away as soon as possible, the way he was, was no way to even live for a minute, let alone for any longer time. Everyone  left the hospital and i had a minute by myself with him. It broke my heart but i said to him ” right dad, enough is enough now, when you’ve had enough, you go, we’ll look after mum and everything will be okay, i promise”, For 3 further days we where with him as much as allowed and he passed away on 11th November. 132 days ago.

Here is the deal, have you ever actually wanted someone to die ?? its mental to think that i wanted this to happen, as i couldn’t see him suffer an longer. It was the right thing. BULL SHIT !!! i actually wanted him to die, rather than live longer in that state, what kind of a person does that make me ??? THAT, i am struggling to deal with, can i look myself in the eye guilt free. NO is the answer. The chest pains i’m getting now even writing this is bastard painful.

 

Do I or Dont I ??

I’ve a dilemma, i feel like i could do with having a chat with someone, but i’m not the best with people, i can take them or leave them. I’ve a low tolerance to bull shit. So the thought of having a chat with a trained professional that i dont know is strange to me.  As I’d just print off this Blog and say ” read this mate, and tell me how to fix my head and flip it so i can think positive, how much do i owe you?”, but I’m aware that i need to flip a few feelings around to be more positive, and maybe block or deal with the guilt and images, so why dont i just re read this blog and deal with it ??… or go for a pint and a chat with H, as she always makes everything better. !!

 

I’ve done the changes i suggested in my previous posts, new job etc, and i cant begin to express how happy i feel about the new job and upcoming year……. but i’ve this dead weight around my neck, and it needs cutting off, but i dont know how !!!!???

 

JB

Oh and i remember saying that these will be more fun ….. they will come i promise :-).

 

 

Simple Creature

It’s Thursday morning, early hours.. sat watching TV. .. Gold Rush actually, the ones I’ve missed from when I was away with work… such a great show !!… sat with Arlo the dog lay on my lap, he’s warm and nustled in.

Flo (rug rat number 2) had clearly had a nightmare, she massively went off on one, screaming and shouting “Flo Flo run”… so I know she’s woken herself up. I’ve just put her in bed with the gaffa … and she falls straight asleep again. Was it a trick ?? Had she had me off ?? So I can’t get in my own bed. Who knows ?!!

For the whole 2 weeks I’m home .. I must sleep in my bed 4 times max. Why ?? I have no idea… I know the sofa is super comfy, and I can hear everything that goes on in this house from the sofa downstairs , the dog seems to like my company, I can hear the heating bounce on whenever the thermometer reaches 16 degrees…. then within 5 minutes the house is red hot. I just nipped up to make sure all is okay, before I turn in on the sofa for the night … there’s 3 other bedrooms I can sleep in (Josh is at his nans) .. but I prefer the sofa. Again I’ve massively realised that what makes me ridiculously happy… is seeing H fast asleep, and Flo snoring loudly, even though it’s in my bed !! .. the thought of H and the kids safe, makes me 100% content. Now I don’t actually know what content means, does it mean happy ?? Does it mean relaxed with situations ?? Does it mean no issues ?? .. if it does, then I’m content.

In my last post I said that if you weren’t happy, then make changes… well, I’ve only gone and done it .. within 3 days I had signed a new contract for a new job. Totally made up … and excited for a new beginning. People have asked me why I left my previous job… it’s Simple… mentally that job scared me, etched in my mind was sorrow and hurt, I got that dreaded feeling of worry, sickness, anxiety and general unhappiness… so I had to change, my dad once said, “in life you make mistakes and sometimes upset people but as long as you’re happy, then that’s all that matters”. I totally remember this every day, this as she first time I’d ever cut a contract short, by 5 months in fact. !! I just couldn’t stay there, if done 6 months .. and 33% of my time there when on rotation I’d had the phone call to say a loved one had died… I had to break that feeling .. and that death spell. !! And I done it.. New job… better career path and better financially, I was guided by my decisions and I know who by !!! The only 2 people to ever ask about my work !! Dad and Keith.

So I’m a simple creature , I’d happily go see dad and Keith right now up there knowing H and the kids are okay … I’m no longer afraid of death, I’ve people waiting for me now … as long H and the kids are okay then I know it’s all good. They deserve the best and I’ll carry on trying to give it to them whilst I’m her to do so, but I must not forget myself … I’m a true simple creature, trying to not give a fuck about the most nonsensical issues that’s going on at the moment… which is really difficult… I’M A WORRIER !!!!! What is actually important ?? Work ?? HELL NO.. family and happiness ?? HELL YEAH. so why do I get a buzz about getting a new job and feeling happy about the future ?? God knows, all I know is I’ll continue to keep the gaffa happy … and carry on grafting my ass off. I need to, if I stop I know I’ll think to much. That happens regularly, I mean I balled my eyes out at 1800 today when i had minute spare.. I just began to sing “I was born under a wandering star”. !! (Keiths funeral song) I can’t stop, I gotta carry on… and when I carry on.. I feel content.. I’m a simple creature, happy wife, happy life, happy family, happy JB. X

I did it. I went out and changed my life for now.. New job like I said. Take your opportunities.. Take a gamble and go for it !!. … lots more to say, but that’s for next time !!

JB

Have a word with yourself JB!!

So, on a number of occasions within this past week I’ve felt the need to “have a word with myself”. One in particular was when i had to travel away back to Germany for work. For obvious reasons I’d spent a bit of time at home…. and now was the time to go back. Now what happened was this: my wife dropped me at the airport, and i got my bag out the boot, said bye to my wife, then opened the door to say bye to my 3 year old daughter… (13 year old had already gone to school) gave her a kiss and her reply was  “daddy go work, love you daddy”.   BANG, that was me… walking to the terminal with a wobbly bottom lip and a tear rolling down my cheek, saying those words…. “have a word with yourself JB”

Finding the need to have a word with myself is actually rather embarrassing, i mean, i’m 38 years old, you’d think i could conduct my life in such a way that i don’t crumble on things, and roll with another familiar saying i have “IT IS WHAT IT IS “, but sod it, i’f there are emotions there, then it does me more harm to bottle it all up. Now don’t get me wrong, i’m not walking around crying all the time :-), i’m just saying that its okay to talk, okay to vent anger, okay to get reassurance from family and friends, and on the odd occasion its okay to drop a little water from your eye !!

My emotions are all over the place recently i think ( if truth be told i know they are), and i’m then sat in my apartment alone on the first night and just get this feeling of dread, worry, anxiety, loneliness, so i do what i always do, and make that call to the wife. Sometimes having a word with myself is not enough, i battle with myself and its a good fight till one side wins !!,50/50.  The Boss Lady needs to tell me that everything is alright, and everything is going to be alright, she’s just got a way to calm me straight down with a bit of tactful reassurance….  followed by the message of “we will get through it together”. Thats it for me, i’m settled etc and can crack on with my 2 week shift offshore, happy knowing things are okay at home, content with face time calls and messages and updates of how everyone is doing, counting down the days again till i get picked up from them all at the airport, the kids come running over and jump on me, and there’s the boss lady, a smile (of relief) to cheer anyone up, ready to hand over lots of parenting responsibility for the next 12 days i’m home (i’m still learning :-)) Then we do it all over again ……………………..

Now if you’re feeling a bit down, whether it be personal or work related, then maybe a change is whats needed, after receiving 2 of those dreaded calls recently, on 2 separate occasions, that loved ones have moved upstairs to drink scotch and watch over us,  personally i need to have a change of my routine, change of place, change of job etc, purely for personal reasons. Am i giving up the work i do offshore ?????? not a chance, i have 6 months a year off to spend with my wife and kids, can go on holiday whenever i like for a week or more, the only way i’d stop is if the Boss Lady says that enough is enough and she wants me home !! Now she loves me, but if i worked at home she’d do her nut on a daily basis, as i’m a bugger for mischief !!!!!

SO, watch this space ………………………………………………..

Lets Begin….

Hi, I’m JB, also known as Chips, I’m sure we’ll get to the reason why at some point in the near future. I’ll be completely honest and say that the sole reason I’m doing this blog malarkey, is the need to express all the nonsense i create in my head, by over thinking and allowing myself to be manipulated deeply by the rubbish and sometimes pointless thoughts i have. If you relate to this then great, if its nonsense to you, then i completely understand…. but know this…. me putting this out there will amuse me for one, and actually help me in some way for the other !!

Life actually amazes me, scares me, makes me question everything, and down right flummoxes me. The pure thought of how we exist before us physically being here, and after, is mind boggling. Recently losing two of the most influential people in my life, has made me realize that i know a grand total of BUGGER ALL, and I’m completely winging it day by day with reality, and I think i’m doing a okay job.

Professionally I’m quite successful on what i do to provide for my family etc, more than i had ever ever imagined i would be… up to now anyway, at least I’m in work. I have a amazing wife and two fantastic kids who keep me truly grounded, but give me enough freedom to be my own person. People say i must be “happily married”…. now that does my head in, why cant i just be “married”… by them saying i must be “happily married” makes me question why they are asking, as if i need to justify my happiness in some context to them, about my marriage. Madness !!. More madness is what i actually witnessed today, which just exploded my mind completely.:

So I’m driving down the road and the small car in front of me actually stops in the middle of the road… I mean stops, hand brake the lot… in the middle of the road. Now this is where it gets tricky, stood on the pavement is a blind man with a guide dog. Now I’m sat there, in the car behind with my mind racing. Now i believe I’m actually quite clever etc, and immediately put 2+2 together, and totally come up with 4. This lady has actually stopped in the middle of the road, to let this blind man and his guide dog CROSS THE ROAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s full on blind with a dog, how on earth does she expect either of them to realize she has stopped for them ?? Now I’m no dog expert, but i reckon i can bet on the fact that the dog can’t actually communicate with a random person to ‘let on’ to the women and say thanks for allowing them both to cross…. total madness. !! Realizing that there’s a stand off and the 3 of them are not doing a thing (2 humans and 1 dog), the lady must have realized the situation, drove on her way and actually WAVED to the blind man….. HE CAN’T SEE HER WAVING.  I draw this conclusion of this incident:

The lady is a nice lady for offering to allow him to cross, and polite for waving at him, but my days,it’s baffled me, the thought process of some people…. but thats life i guess.

Life is a blessing, your heart pumps, you’re alive. It stops pumping, you’re then dead. Its as simple as that in my opinion. Been told I’ve a heart of stone, and maybe I’m hardening to certain things, When i lost my dad a few weeks ago, i wasn’t sad for my loss of a father, i was more gutted for the kids losing a Grandad, and my mum losing a husband. A few weeks later i lost my Father in law, and that had more of a upsetting effect on me than losing my dad, maybe some of those feelings came out harder, and some of the sadness was for losing my dad too, personal sadness, but like my dad… when father in law passed, i was more gutted for the kids and wife, than i was for my loss. I firmly believe that i got my father fix also from Father in law, from the whole 13 years i knew him. Two great gentleman… maybe i’ll grieve at some point, maybe i wont, who knows ??

WOW, what a release already just lobbing some stuff down on here… I promise to be totally honest, and this is only the beginning !!! if nobody reads it, I’ll leave the login details somewhere for the kids to read it all when they are older… but thats it for now, I’m off the pub 🙂

JB